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Friday, June 14, 2024

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Live Laugh Lesbian with Helen Scott: SEX & RELATIONSHIPS

This month, Gay London Life’s sapphic sage, Helen Scott looks at the contentious subject of Lesbian Bed Death – myth or reality?

This month, we’re talking LBD. Not the sexy kind you wear on a night out, but the cause of many a relationship ending – the dreaded Lesbian Bed Death. It’s the idea that lesbian couples in committed relationships have less sex the longer they’re together than any other type of couple. I hate to admit it, but I’ve had my fair share.

When two women or people come together, there’s usually a lust-filled honeymoon period where you’re shagging at every given opportunity. It’s inferno-hot, heady and intoxicating. So much so that at points you’re going at it so hard you think you might just be making a freakin’ baby after all! Then, over time, and naturally so, things start to peter out and you find a frequency that works for you – once a week, once a fortnight, whatever that may be. For some lesbians, this number can fizzle into nothing, much like Jessie J’s ‘bi era’. I was two years into a relationship and five months away from marriage when I realised the last time we’d made each other come was eight long months ago. I knew at that point we couldn’t stay together, let alone get married to one another.

Lesbian Bed Death had struck, and it was truly heartbreaking. She was my best friend, my right arm and my closest confidant. That level of intimacy, trust and bonding that two women can experience with one another is one of my favourite things about being a lesbian. But I ain’t out here about to live a sexless life for nobody, so parting ways was the only option.

You might not realise, like me, that you’re in LBD hell until it’s too late but there are always some surefire signs that it’s creeping in.

• Someone has a lot of excuses as to why they don’t want to do it. Headaches, neckaches, backaches, early starts, they’ve just fake tanned (I may have used that one myself in the past!)

• Sex is starting to feel routine and it’s getting boring. Even worse, it feels like a chore.

• Kissing with tongues hasn’t happened for a while and anything more intimate than cuddling on the sofa has depleted, too.

• The bristle reaction has begun, where your partner touches you in a way that suggests sexual intimacy and your body becomes tense and bristles at the thought of it. That one’s deep!

Some or all of the above could be happening in tandem, but thankfully I’ve come up with some ways to reignite the passion, to sidestep LBD, to kick it in the non-existent balls if you will. And I hope they might come in useful if you ever start to experience the lull yourself.

Start snogging. We start kissing less and less ‘with tongues’ the deeper into our relationship we get and frankly, that’s how the bristle reaction and the lack of true intimacy begins. Initiate a full-blown snog fest with your partner a few times a week, where there’s no obligation for it to develop into sex, just some good old- fashioned tonsil tennis.

Talk to each other and figure out what’s going on. Maybe there’s some dissatisfaction in the bedroom that’s been left unspoken, or one of you is feeling stressed. There are loads of reasons for a lull in your sex life which don’t all lead to LBD, but left unchecked, things can snowball quickly. Emotional connection is sexy, so getting to the root of any problems together is a great way to get yourself in the mood.

And lastly, really get honest about whether or not this is your person. Do you truly want to be with them or are you just comfortable and settling? Imagine yourself in ten, twenty, or thirty years and whether you’re willing to put in the effort to reignite the sexual chemistry.

Remember you deserve a thriving sex life and there are ways to bring it back if that’s what you both want. People often run at the first hurdle, but I urge you not to jump ship at the initial signs of a waning sex life. Compromise and honesty are both needed for a relationship to survive and thrive. On the other hand, if you’re with someone who is no longer right for you, life’s too short to stay in something that doesn’t make you happy, babes.

For more advice on LBD, drop me a DM on socials and let’s see if we can work
things out, as only lesbians can, together!

Follow Helen on Insta @helenscottuk or click HERE!

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