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Saturday, August 13, 2022

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Live Laugh Lesbian. Helen Scott: PALMA DE PUSSY

As suitcases across Britain lay on beds ready to be shoved full of flip-flops and bikini bottoms, everyone’s gay big sister Helen Scott shares her thoughts on bonking when abroad.

Is holiday sex overrated? I don’t know whether it’s the soft smell of coconut in the sunscreen, the crisp chlorine in the air, or the sound of gently, lapping water but honestly, nothing makes me feel less sexy!

My bikini is sticking to my arse crack, my hair is wild with many dips in and out of the pool, and I’m burnt in random places where my girlfriend missed me with the sun lotion. I’m just not sure where I could find my horn amongst all that

I mean, I’m up at the crack of dawn each morning to fight for a poolside lounger. The all-inclusive has turned me into some glutinous villain who can’t stop shovelling food into my mouth, and I’m always feeling just slightly hungover from the cheap booze they put in the cocktails. I look over at my girlfriend and she’s not looking back thinking “Sexy”, I’m sure of it.

While in the pool, there are definitely vagina tingles happening as she wraps her gorgeously bronzed arms around me. I also did some questionable, hopefully subtle, dry humping of a pool noodle, holding it between my legs, which definitely got the blood rushing. But do I want to be caught getting fingered in the pool with Doris from two loungers along doing aqua aerobics next to us? Not really.

Now, if you know me, you know I’m extremely sex-positive with a libido to match. But holiday sex is an idea that’s been overly romanticised, I’m sure of it. Sand in your vag, sweating your

nipples off, aioli breath and unsightly tan lines. I picture Leonardo Di Caprio fucking his girlfriend senseless in The Beach (2000) and honestly, I can’t help but thing how he must of stank.

But, as my girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me into our air-conned room, beds freshly made and a killer view of Palma de Mallorca, there’s something about the out of routine-ness that makes me instantly wet. Her skin feels soft and hot after a day’s sunbathing, and that last pina colada has left me feeling quite daring. Anal is absolutely off the cards (the all-inclusive is never truly to be trusted) but a slow, close orgasm is kind of the perfect way to send you into an afternoon siesta.

We’re diligent lesbians and thus, of course, had packed our harness and eight-inch D but honestly, it turns out that slow and steady wins the race on holiday. For me, anyway!

And so, my first holiday with my girlfriend was when I wanted to set the tone in regards to how much holiday sex to expect from me in the future – not a bloody lot! But with an open mind, I not only surprised her but myself with a newfound appreciation for Palma de Pussy. It’s a 10/10 for me, as long as there’s air con

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