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Thursday, July 25, 2024

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GLL’s Helen Scott tackles sex with an ex

GLL’s sapphic sister Helen Scott gets stuck into a topic many of us will know all too well — sex with an ex.

As her fingertips brushed over my skin, my entire body felt electric. The smell of her filled the air and, like some fifteen-year-old lad who has just reached puberty, I had to steady myself not to come immediately.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a horny gal. I get turned on just as much as the next person (unless that person is asexual but let’s get into that another day please) but this was different. This wasn’t first-time sex after a date gone well, with the tremors of nerves and the lingering of alcohol on our breaths. Nor was it sex in the midst of a long-term, committed relationship where our bodies and hands and tongues interlocked in a familiar, programmed kind of way. This was sex with an ex. And fuck me sideways, it was pure crack.

It had been five weeks of no contact and all of a sudden we were crashing into one another like a giant wave against a cliff face. It was exciting and dangerous, familiar and emotional and I didnt ever want it to stop. Of course, that’s the problem, isn’t it. Like all good things, we eventually fell asleep, feet touching and hands reaching for one another. As I opened my eyes the following morning and looked across at her laying next to me, all I could think was, ‘What the bloody hell have we done?’.

Now I get that at this moment in time I appear to be a walking, talking, lesbian cliche and yes, historically lesbians tend to remain friends with their exes in a way that no other group of people can do. But I had just broken the cardinal rule in getting over someone that you’re madly in love with, and so where the hell did this now leave us? Was this just a one-time thing? Should we get back together? Does she still love me? Messy, sticky questions that I didn’t dare ask but now desperately needed the answers to — as well as a morning after, ding-ding round two, please.

A 2020 study on the psychology of breakups uncovered three main reasons for having sex with an ex: relationship maintenance, ambivalence and hedonism. In plain terms, people who are trying to hold onto the relationship, those wondering whether it’s right or not to break up, and those who just enjoy the pleasure of the sex they used to have with their partner. Now which of the three was I feeling? I hadn’t really thought this far ahead and tbh, I’m not one to say no to what the heart wants rather than thinking with my big girl brain. And right then, it was very hard to think straight with little sleep, a throbbing clitoris and last night’s sweaty antics on repeat in my mind.

The reality is that sex with an ex is like sticking a plaster over a problem and that every second I lay there was adding an hour onto the time it was going to take me to get over her. But it’s like pressing on a bruise, painful and satisfying all at the same time. I didn’t want to think about what this meant for the future of our relationship, but I also didn’t want to ruin any chance of having her in my life long-term. The hope was always that ‘ex’ would at some point become ‘friend’.

Remember the psychology study? Well it also confirms that people who stay friends with their exes are more likely to be psychopaths and/
or narcissists. Lol! This doesn’t bode well for my midnight antics. However
I can’t help but to conclude that lesbians must be an entire community of psychopaths and/or narcissists then, by virtue of the fact we’re unbelievably good at staying friends with our exes, as aforementioned. And if I’m inherently psychopathic then why stop now? I may as well go the whole hog, instigate round two, keep crashing like waves with her, and go forth and scissor like I’ve never done before.

Frankly, I’m still utterly head over heels, frantically in love with her and it doesn’t look as though that’s going to let up anytime soon. Dabbling in ‘ex’ territory has never served me well in the past and I mean, duh? Most of the time it’s about protecting one another from the reality that the relationship is over, right? But who knows, while she sleeps and my brain’s a whirring mess, I can’t help but wonder — can you raise an ex from the dead? I guess there’s only one way to find out.

helenscottuk.com / @helenscottuk

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