It’s Christmaaas! Ho ho holy mother of lesbian Jesus Hayley Kiyoko, how are we here already?

A whole year since I was happily coupled and buying gifts for my SO — now I’m foraging for the most sapphic-inspired garm to treat my cats to, ‘cause I be a walking, talking cliche like that. Bitter that I’m lacking a plus one? No. A little cranky to be scissor-less of late? Yes. So to take my mind off of my shrivelling flower this cuffing season and instead focus my attention outwards as this season encourages us to do, I’ve curated the perfect pussy-loving list of items to treat yourself, and your sapphic sisters, to this year.

Starting with the classic carabiner. I mean, need I say more? The carabiner has long been claimed by lesbians as our signifier just as handkerchiefs were, and still are, by the gay male community. It’s safe to say that the significance of the carabiner runs deep so even if the person you’re gifting has one already, we can never have too many.

For our butches, mascs, they/thems and otherwise, the classic carabiner in a steel silver or gold slaps every, single, time. But don’t think our femme girlies and theylies need to miss out on this sapphic staple. In fact, more than any of us, femmes need as many ways to gay flag as possible. They come in all different shapes for the girlie pops, from hearts to stars in rainbow-coloured reflective metals that seriously give ‘Chappel-approved’. With most of them coming in under £10, they really do make the most perfect stocking fillers.

Now for a gift that keeps on giving (as long as you remember to charge it), the Curvy 1 from Satisfyer. My holy grail product. There isn’t a suction, air wave or clitoral stimulator product I have not tried. As someone who has spent the majority of 2024 single, I made it my civic duty to find toys that see us through the dry spells, to aid our play when we find someone to play with and to find the closest pocket-sized pal that emulates oral as possible. And so trust me when I say, the Curvy 1 is truly unmatched.

Most clitoral stimulators have a small round hole with a very thin silicone rim which is where they go wrong. This makes the sensation feel like a sharp flicking tongue movement and while there’s a time and a place for that, there’s very
little build-up and makes the overall experience one-dimensional. The Curvy
1 boasts a larger hole and a much thicker rim which stimulates a larger surface area. With different suction and vibration settings which are easy to control mid-play, you can create the most perfect build-up to the big O and it never fails me, ever. You can also control it through the app which is perfect for our long- distance lesbians. It really is so good you’ll need to buy one for yourself too and at £32.99, that’s totally doable!

Now onto a little self-indulgence, my book Live Laugh Lesbian, the first lesbian guidebook to hit the publishing world literally ever, is the perfect present for any queer. From baby gays to LGBTQ+ veterans, to those who need a crash course in sapphic life and issues, this is a gift for anyone and everyone. Firstly, you’d be supporting my queer ass (cheers) and secondly, it’s your very own form of protest, purchasing and celebrating a book with the word lesbian in the title. I think there are only like three of them at present as the publishing world is unfortunately still a little sceptical about being that inclusive. And thirdly, it’s just a bloody good read!

Detailing my own experiences in a way that will have you howling, alongside all of my lived lesbian advice on what to do, and what not to do in some instances. From coming out to microaggressions in the workplace to finding queer pals and scissoring for the first time. It’s a big lesbian hug from me to you to remind you how perfect you are in your queer skin. Grab a copy from independent bookshops like Gays the Word or Queer Lit, or if you’re a last-minute gay, you can ‘next-day it’ on Amazon or Waterstones if you must.

If you want to melt someone’s heart this year, crystals are the way to go. Crystals are fast becoming seriously queer with the sapphic community leaning into our historical witchy vibe. For emotional balance you want Amethyst, for healing it’s Clear Quartz and for grounding buy them Bloodstone. Who knows if they really do anything but it’s romantic as hell regardless, right? I actually saw a girl on TikTok buy a box of chocolates, throw the chocolates away and replace the empty holes with different crystals. Does it get gayer than that? I don’t think so. In fact, I think I’ve just given you a Christmas gift idea that would get you a proposal in return. You can thank me later.

So there you have it, just a few ideas for the lesbians in your life this festive season. I’ll be sharing more ideas on TikTok in the coming weeks, both gift ideas and queer-owned small businesses to shop at like sadgirlstudios.co.uk (you’ll just love her lesbian-inspired pieces). So if I haven’t quite hit the spot, come find me @helenscottuk for a little Christmas kiki.

But just as a wee reminder, yes Christmas is a wonderful time to give gifts
if you can afford to, but mainly it’s about love, being there for others, and most importantly, shagging in front of a warm fire with a mulled wine. Happy holidays!