By Alan Cox
Life coach, CBT practitioner, and host of “The Gay Monogamy Coach” podcast.
Most gay men in London start the day the same way, reaching for their phone before they’ve even properly woken up. A quick check of messages. A scroll through faces. A glance at who’s nearby. It feels harmless because everyone’s doing it, but over time the apps stop being something you use and start becoming something that uses you.
You notice it everywhere. On the Tube. Waiting outside bars in Soho. Sitting at home with the TV on while half-scrolling through conversations you don’t even care about. You’re technically connected, but mentally somewhere else. The apps create this strange in-between state where you’re always available but rarely present.
London encourages it too. The city runs on the idea that there’s always something better around the corner, and dating apps feed exactly the same instinct. Another face. Another chat. Another possibility. What starts as entertainment slowly becomes emotional background noise.
That’s where Appstinence comes in.
Not as a rejection of sex, dating, or modern life, but as a reset. Thirty days without dating or hookup apps can show you just how automatic the habit has become. Most people don’t realise how often they open the apps because they’re bored, anxious, lonely, or looking for reassurance rather than genuine connection.
The apps keep your brain in a constant state of scanning. You start comparing yourself to strangers without even noticing. You keep conversations going with men you’d never actually want to meet. Someone ghosts you mid-chat and suddenly your confidence takes a hit for the rest of the evening. It becomes less about connection and more about managing emotion.
This is where CBT can really help. You start spotting the pattern behind the behaviour. Maybe you open the apps every Sunday because you feel lonely. Maybe you scroll after work because you need distraction. The point isn’t to judge yourself, it’s to understand the cycle clearly enough to change it.
The first week off the apps is usually uncomfortable. You’ll reach for your phone automatically. You’ll wonder what you’re missing. That discomfort is useful because it shows how deeply wired the habit has become.
Then something shifts.
Without the constant noise, your attention starts returning to your actual life. You notice London again. Conversations feel fuller. Your head feels quieter. Many men realise they weren’t actually searching for intimacy at all, they were searching for relief from boredom, insecurity, or restlessness.
A month off the apps won’t solve everything, but it can reset your relationship with attention, confidence, and connection. You stop feeding the habit and start listening to yourself again.
And honestly, that’s probably a better starting point for dating anyway.
If you’d like support with that process, book a discovery call at empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
